My Best Birthday Gift Yet… One to MyselfFeb 24, 2022
On Monday, it was my 32nd birthday and I feel like I had this huge breakthrough I wanted to share with you.
For the last ten years or so, I have been the person who said, "I hate my birthday," "I'm not a birthday person," "Please, let's not do anything for my birthday."
And not because I wanted people to feel bad or like they should do something, I really meant it.
Every year, since after I turned 21 when people asked me what I was going for my birthday, I would get STRESSED. Before the pandemic hit, I would ask my mom or my husband to either go out to dinner or go out of town because it really was an excuse for why I wasn't having a big thing. I would tell my husband not to send flowers. I would decline people's calls and send them to VM. I deleted my Facebook, so people didn't know it was my birthday … and then on the 21st, I ended up feeling a little off and I never really knew why.
But this year, as we were on a flight to the Caribbean (getting away and avoiding it again 😂), something finally hit me while I was writing in my journal.
Every single person out there has a story that they're telling themselves—internal hurts and past traumas that cause us to behave in a certain way. And one of mine is that in college, I was told I was "extra" and "too much," so now in my adult life, I never want to be that girl. I don't want to be annoying to anyone. On days like my birthday, I don't want attention on me… I want to stay small, so I don't "bother" anyone.
OOF! it feels good to get that off my chest.
If you think about it at this moment… what are some of the stories you're telling yourself? What are some of your internal traumas that are impacting your behaviors?
While this epiphany was really emotional for me at first, it was also so eye-opening. I'm not "not a birthday person." it's just hard for me to accept and receive love and attention because I was told I was too much for doing so in the past.
It was almost like, if I let it go by unnoticed, I can't be annoying to anyone. I won't bother anyone. No one will think I'm "extra." No one will have those negative thoughts about me. I can control other people's perceptions of me.
This year I'm ready to release all of that heaviness. I'm ready to celebrate myself. I'm ready to receive the love I know I deserve with zero fear or shame attached.
TBH it was amazing. Chad planned a couples trip. We got to come to the Caribbean. We had a celebration. I dressed up. I absorbed every loving message, card, DM, call, and comment.
I know I've got all the pregnancy hormones going on, but I cried so many times on Monday. Tears of happiness and joy and appreciation. Realizing that what I thought I was protecting myself from was actually letting love in. I'm so good at giving it, but receiving it's been something I've really been working on because it means I have to let go of control. I have to let go of thinking I can control how people perceive me.
I genuinely believe that the only reason I even had this epiphany in the first place is because of all of the work I've done on myself since college. Work to heal my disordered eating, heal my hormones, and ultimately heal my relationship with myself. To relearn to trust me, connect with myself, and come to myself with curiosity rather than judgment.
It has been what's allowed me to take care of myself, guilt-free, to show up and ask these types of questions, and now to be able to receive without fear of being judged or needing to control the outcome.
I have felt filled up with so much of it this whole month, and a big part of it is the love I've received from this community, so thank you. And I want to take this opportunity to help you shift into feeling the same. You are worthy of receiving with no pressure, guilt, or shame attached.
Next month I am opening four more private coaching spots. The opportunity is open through the rest of this month or until the spots have been filled. If you know one of them is yours, email me at [email protected]
Together we'll work on your hormones, your physical health, and how you feel in your body … and that all starts with mindset work around deepening your self-connection, letting go of perfectionism, and enhancing the trust you have in yourself.
I would love to support you in uncovering the root cause of whatever is bringing you discomfort and helping you to shift your perspective on how you've been doing things so that you can truly experience lasting change both mentally AND physically.
If you desire that support and guidance, I'm here for you.